People Under the Stairs: The psycho Bitch That Lives Below My Mother

Every second Saturday, after my 14 month-old son wakes up around 7 AM, my wife and I gather our things together and head to my mother's apartment for an early morning paper read and a coffee. We then leave our son with my mother while we get groceries. About an hour and 1/2 later we pick him up and bring him home for his morning nap, while we put the groceries away. Its our routine. It works for us and we like it.

This morning a wrench was thrown into the gears that drive our routine. You see my mother has lived in the same apartment for roughly the last 15 years. She is a 63 year-old, large woman that walks around on her heels and general makes a lot of noise. (she moves furniture around just for the fun of it every 3 weeks or so). It must not be easy to live in an apartment directly below her. However, for the last 7-8 years or so, she has lived above the same crazy bitch.

The woman who lives below her has confronted her about the noise she makes several times. Always in a loud and nasty way. She has called the police on my mother, and a couple of times tried to push my mother's own door open simply to continue a yelling match in which she didn't think she got the last word. She has complained to the landlord as well. All complaints basically fall on deaf ears and she has never gotten anywhere. She just continues to be miserable and force her misery back upon my mother whenever she gets the chance.

This morning, upon leaving my mother's place, I apparently made too much noise carrying the baby down the stairs and must have woken her up...at the ungodly hour of 10 AM! After I fastened the baby into his car seat, I jumped in the van and noticed that my mother's neighbor was in her window shaking her finger at me and mouthing a few words at me rather violently. I gave her a quizzical look to exclaim that I didn't know what she was talking about and she went through the same range of actions and wording. I still don't know what the fuck got her goat exactly. I pieced together my own hypothesis about me coming down the stairs rather loudly, as it was the only thing I could think of that made any sense. In any event, I simply drove away, and explained to my wife how crazy she was (the neighbor not my wife).

Now, I can understand that if I made too much noise I might owe someone an apology....and I'm a rational and understanding human. If she simply peeked her head out the door and said something like 'can you take it easy next time, the stairs are right next to my bedroom and you woke us up', I would have given her the token apology and tried to make a conscious effort going forward. But no, she had to act like a raging lunatic. Well let me tell you something lady, that's what a blog is for!

My main beef is that she has been doing this shit for 7+ years. If something bothered me that much about where I lived, that I had to throw a huge hissy fit every so often, and no one would do anything about it for me...I would have been moved long before 7 years came around.

Listen bitch, if you're reading this and somehow got someone to help you figure out that I'm talking about you: Pack your shit up and move!!! You're a lot less pleasant to deal with than the noise above you (or syphilis for that matter!- that's funnier:). I would even pay for your moving van. I'm not even joking. I will write you a cheque. You just tell me which one of your bipolar/schizoid personalities to make it out to.

Isn't Google's Adsense Funny?

....I mean not Chavez funny but just look around at the Google ads displayed at the very top of this page and at the very bottom. They are topical, based on the content that Google finds in my blog posts. About 2-3 days after I posted about having a vacuum nozzle in my ass, the vacuum cleaner ads started appearing. I find that hilarious.

You know what else is funny? I'm going to start rhyming off random words just to see if google starts posting ads about that stuff as well:

Mesopotamia

fruit flies

pirate hookers

lamb chops

Murphy Brown

slam dancing

rickshaw of death

Nyquil Party

bag of booze

greased pig

...ok that's my stream of consciousness for today..let's wait to see what happens...

P.S. Not to solicit or anything, but did you know if you click on those ad links you might make me a cent or two? All money earned goes toward me being drunk....and I'm much funnier drunk. just something to keep in mind...but I'm not soliciting

"Jealousy" vs "Envy" vs "I'd Give My Left Nut"

I like to think there are subtle differences between the terms I used in the headline above. "Jealousy" to me carries a connotation that is self serving. It ignores all other factors except what is important to an individual. It wishes bad and mean spirited thoughts upon someone or something. While "envy" carries a more diplomatic tone to it ie. I "envy" someone's position but I harbor no ill will towards the person in that position. "I'd give my left nut" on the other hand describes a crazed wanting, that disregards one's own personal well being (and ability to possibly reproduce).

My friend Jason was recently featured in an on-line magazine because of a blog that he keeps, and subsequently he appeared on CBC's 'Information Morning' to discuss said website. He did a great job and I urge everyone to check him out.

Upon Jason's relay of the news that he would be featured in an on-line article and on the radio, I poked some fun at him and his sexuality, to which he replied that I was just "jealous". No my friend, I'm "envious". I'm also proud of what he's accomplished so far and "I'd give my left nut" to help him accomplish some more of the goals on his list. (mainly the drinking ones and the road trip ones).

Keep it up Barry!

That Chavez is a Pretty Funny Guy

You know, once you get past the fact that his government is run in an autocratic fashion that threatens to compromise future democracy in Venezuela, and that he's mismanaged an overabundance of oil in a way only a true lunatic-dictator-type could do, Hugo Chavez really is a funny guy.

Hearing his comments to the UN General Assembly a few days ago made me laugh. He continues to insult President Bush in new and innovative ways at every opportunity he gets with the press. The English translation of his words make for amusing grade-school-like barbs. The thing that really puts it over the edge for me is the pop culture references ...like that thing he said about Americans setting aside their Superman movies and reading the Noam Chomsky book he was holding. (Not coincidentally, sales of Chomsky's books have increased this week following Chavez' remarks)

I think he should give up politics and get his own late night talk show. It would probably have a pretty loyal following here in Canuckland.

P.S. The lemur pictured here has nothing to do with Chavez. I just think its funny too.

Did You Tell On Me?

My post about the packaging warning labels below got taken down off this site....but not be me. Unless its just another unexplained error of blogger (which it very well may be, they happen practically everytime I post anything) I can only assume that someone complained and administration had it removed. If that's the case they didn't tell me or warn me of inappropriate material or any complaints. So I reposted it.

Just in case there's any confusion, let me make a few points clear:

- My infant son and I don't wear plastic bags as helmets (not until he turns 15 and we start sniffing gas together)
- I have never had to slap my infant soon back to consciousness (or for any other reason)
- The only nozzle up my ass is the nozzle of apathy that spews forth from the vacuum cleaner of disdain
- The last comment is a metaphor. You should not try to clean up disdain with a vacuum, especially with a nozzle of apathy

Weak...

Kimveer Gill, dressed himself up in a trench coat yesterday, walked into Dawson College in Montreal, and began shooting...seemingly at random. He killed 1 girl and injuried up to 20 others..several are in critical condition. He apparently turned his gun on himself to end the mayhem.

If you're too weak and self-centred to live with what life deals out, take a toaster into the bathtub with you (plug it in first) but leave everyone else out of it. If there's a hell, I'll see you there Kimveer, and I'll make sure to tell you what a fucking loser you are on my way to see Elvis!

Anatasia DeSousa R.I.P.

Thank Christ for Helpful Packaging!

I had just finished unpacking my brand new computer and was using the plastic bags the components were packed in as helmets for my infant son and ....when out of the blue I saw these two warning labels from inside the bag. I pulled the vacuum nozzle out of my ass, took the bags off both of us and breathed a sigh of relief.....I had to slap him back to consciousness..but everything seems fine now.

I'm not even joking about these being real warnings from computer component packaging. I would honestly like to meet the retard who spurred companies to start printing these on their plastic bags.....I bet he/she is one extremely rich piece of shit!

Balloon Fiesta Full of Hot Air

I took the family up to Sussex today for the Atlantic International Balloon Fiesta. You know what the funny thing is about the balloon fiesta?: no ballons. Not a one! Apparently, they take off at 2 times during the day 6:30AM and 6PM. We knew this but decided to go anyway so that the kids could enjoy the country-fair-like atmosphere and get on a few carnival rides. $100 bucks later I have a couple of face-painted kids, 2 huge inflatable crayons and strong desire to marry my cousins.

I don't even think I saw the word "Balloon" anywhere...and you definitely wouldn't have known you were at a "fiesta" (the lack of sombraros was killer). Looking back on this, they could have easily have called this a baboon fiesta and just told everyone that the baboons come out in the middle of the night. No one's gonna stick around Sussex to find out if its true anyway!

Its been a While...I'm lazy

I've been getting way too slack with the blog. So this week I am dedicating myself to post at least 5 entries by the end of the week. They'll just have to be shorter than my normal monologue.

Today's topic: Dallas Green- Why does he need other people to bring out his talent?

Dallas Green is currently experiencing more radio airplay than anytime in his career. For years he has been known as an underground talent in Toronto..and has had huge local success in St Catherines, Ontario. Still, a lot of people don't know him...and I just can't make up my mind about him.

Featured in the ensemble piece "The Grace", by Neverending White Lights, he is awesome...the song is awesome, I can't get enough of it. If you don't know anything about this band take a look. Pretty impressive talent gathered together here.

In his solo side project City and Colour, I think he falls short. I can't stand the song "Save Your Scissors"....it makes me want to stab scissors in my eyes...or I guess ears would make more sense.....and the name of his 'project' is probably the most clever thing about the crap he's put out (City= Dallas....Colour= Green....pure genius!).

And the fact that his full-time job is with the band Alexisonfire completely baffles me. Good band...scream a bit much at times but you can get past that with the music....but not anything like either of the latest works he's putting out.

So basically, anything done with someone else is gold but on his own he becomes Clay Aitken with an attitude. I don't get it. I guess I just have to hope someone holds his hand for a few years and shows him what doesn't suck...and then I'll have something to listen to.

Anyway, I have a lot to bitch about so stay tuned this week folks.