Bad Chocolate, Good Memories

Cadbury has recalled a "salmonella-tainted batch of chocolate" that was distributed into Canada today. Its better than a chocolate-stained taint! ....and that reminds me of a home-made drink I developed about 7 years ago, that was inspired by the gay character on Dawson's Creek named Jack. The drink was called "Jack's Silky Smooth 'Taint".

The mixture goes like this:
2 parts Jack Daniels (The "Jack")
1 part Silk Tassel (rye whiskey) (The "Silky")
1 part peach schnapps (the fuzzy- not mentioned but implied in the title)
1 part Baily's Irish Cream (the "Smooth")

The tag line: t'aint no way yer keepin' this down!!!

If anyone ever has the balls to try this and lives, the bottle of Jack's on me.

Am I Here To Amuse You?

I received a lot of comments (off line) about my last post. How it didn't meet a certain comedy standard people have come to expect... blah blah blah.. Each of these people, however, did have a favourite out of the list of 10..and most of the favourites were different from each other. So I would say mission accomplished. This is where I could put in a quote about pleasing all the people all the time...but instead, all I have to say is I'm starved for material sometimes..and if I find it funny, it makes it to the blog....whether I'm high on a bag of glue or not!

Anyway, on to today's post. There is this incredibly stupid "feature" in Rogers Hi-Speed Homepage entitled the "Photo Caption Game". The idea is they show an odd picture and ask the readers to enter a funny caption to go along with it. The problem? They won't show anything with "bad" content...swearing, sexual stuff etc. So you basically get a bunch of 8-year-old-type replies. For instance here are two for the photo that headlines this post:

1. "Well they finally managed crossbreed a Monster Truck and a car"
2. "Fed up with people not stopping for the funeral procession, Bubba's Funeral Home takes drastic measures"

Isn't #1 a literal description of the picture? What makes that funny? It might as well say "Hearse with Big Monster Truck Wheels Beside a Graveyard"
As for #2, at least they have the idea, just not any comedy edge...a typical caption for this site

I think this "game" would be a lot better if they allowed every entry to be shown. It could be funny even. My suggestion for this picture is:

BIG ASS REDNECK DEATH PARTY! CAN WE MOVE THE GIN STILL OUT OF THE BACK TO MAKE ROOM FOR THE CORPSE?

Actually that's kind of lame too. Maybe this is harder than I thought. Oh fuck it, I'm only golden when there's peacocks and ping pong balls involved. I have to go peel this bag of glue away from my face now.

Summer Pool Safety Tips

Inspired by a CBC news report I just read on the Rogers Hi-Speed Home Page, here are my top ten safety tips for in-and-around the pool this summer:

10. If you're going to carry on like a drunken madman, put your goddamn water wings on!
9. If you have to shit in the pool, make sure you are wearing proper bathing attire, with good solid mesh to catch your waste and your draw-string is tied tight. (Girls should probably just use any bushes adjacent to the pool..preferably in a neighbor's yard)
8. It may seem like harmless fun at the time, but try not to spike people's pool-side martinis with chlorine...it can get messy.
7. If you're pretend wrestling in the pool, and you're holding your friend underwater while applying a full-nelson, don't fall for the old 'play-dead-so-he'll-break-the-full-nelson maneuver'.....instead, count in your head to 236 to make sure they're not faking..then release the hold.
6. Saw the diving board 3/4 through so that any nimrods who want to cannon ball get what they deserve.
5. Keep a detailed second-by-second written account of any drownings to help you mitigate any discrepancies in people's stories when everything goes to trial.
4. Make sure that you know whether people can swim before drop kicking them in the back of the head into the pool.
3. Harpoon games admittedly increase the fun factor of any pool game but harpoons are for the deep sea...leave your harpoons at home.
2. Voodoo safety rituals can seem like a good idea, but if someone slips on pig entrails and cracks their head open, nobody wins.
1. A good hazing ritual to play, is to have a naked pledge swim 2 laps back-and-forth in the pool while holding a lit candle in his butt cheeks, while trying not to extinguish the flame. This can be dangerous. Try using a candle which has aloe in the wax to ease any burning.

have fun in the pool this summer kids!

Apparently DC Comics Started Opening My Mail....

In case you didn't hear, the renewed version of BatWoman is going to be a lesbian. I wonder if they will also incorporate my idea of having her arch nemesis be Stephen Harper in a KKK uniform? One can only hope...

Was Blogger Created By HP?...

Just a quick note about my last post.

I originally wrote what is seen below on May 31st. I saved it as a draft and went back to edit it with a rant about Canada's recognition of polygamy and a description of me going shirtless to work next week with nothing but nipple tassels and a bowtie. It was enlightening and funny stuff (to me anyway). However, for some reason, after I made my adds and edits and then posted, all that made it to the actual blog was my original draft...oh, and the picture of batboy.

Speaking of batboy, have you ever read the Weekly World News? If you haven't, do yourself a favour and pick it up next time you get groceries and take a read. It might be the funniest thing ever put on a check-out shelf. I think my grandparents have a subscription to this...no joke. The read it like its coming straight from the Reuters News desk. They also live in Minto...insert your own joke here...