The Annual Jack-Off Festival

I've been busy lately (mainly this morning) carving a pumpkin for the newly adopted annual tradition of a Jack-O-Lantern carving contest between my wife and I. Last year's results are still in dispute. It wasn't an official contest then so the winner varies depending on who you ask. i.e. if you ask anyone who is not blind and/or stupid, mine was the best.

Stay tuned, I will be posting pictures of the final products this week and letting the internet public decide...because I know that only about 75% of the people who read my blog are blind and the other 1 is only stupid when he's wearing a red shirt.

Finger Lickin' Sad

A colleague and I decided to break our normal routine and went to KFC for lunch today. I was shocked and dismayed when I got up to the counter to order my Big Crunch sandwich and saw a former coworker of mine behind the packing window putting together the orders. The reason for my reaction was that the person I was looking at was a co-worker of mine when I worked at KFC 13-14 years ago as a teenager. She was only a few years older than me at the time. (I guess she still would be, barring the discovery of a wormhole in the deep fryer- which is entirely possible).

Its not that there's anything wrong with working fast food. Its an honest living, and served me well for a couple of years between high school and university. But just the thought of working in that shithole for 16+ years makes me sad....like someone getting sentenced to life in prison for a crime they didn't commit. Now fortunately for me, this particular co-worker was a big bitch. So that helps to temper my emotions somewhat. You see, she once got me suspended from work for wearing a chicken bucket on my head with eye holes cut out of it (pure comic genius!), and tried to get me fired for taking a deposit to the bank after regulated hours. So, as sad as this story may seem, I hope you rot in deep fried hell Jan! Not really, but that sounds funny. Honestly, I'm willing to be the bigger person and forgive and forget. I think she's done her time.... Its time for her to at least look for call-centre work.

A Haiku Dedicated to NB Liquor's Fall Clearence Sale

Arbor Mist, you bitch
I've drunk you down like real wine
My five dollars gone

I Haven't Ripped On the Conservatives In At Least 3 Minutes, I Better get A Crackin'

Firstly, why would the conservatives hold their annual convention in Mexico this year? Strange.

Secondly, let's take a look at the past week in the life of the conservative government, as it unveiled its big plan on the environment: The "Clean Air Act". The environment Minister, Rona Ambrose, has stated that the aim is to cut greenhouse-gas emissions 45-65% by the year 2050...and says the government has not turned its back on Kyoto. She talks big about fines being imposed on violators of existing guidelines/regulations (which used to be mandatory only to an extent), and setting up an 'environmental damage fund'. Here's the kicker...the government is basically saying nothing will be new, and are going to rely on consultants to tell them what to do to clean up the air by 2010...and target the biggest polluters by 2025-2030 timeframe. That's very convenient for a government that knows its chances of winning a majority in the next election will be even more slim than they were the last time. So folks, the bottom line is that there is no plan for the environment from the conservatives.

I've recently heard my local MP Rob Moore (Con) give his strong backing to the Clean Air Act on the local radio. He must have got a memo from Harper himself to get out and support this 'act' in your local media. Reason being, this makes it the 3rd time I've actually heard him speak on a topic on local radio (just a snippet on commercial radio during the morning news). I believe the other two were in regards to his opposition to same-sex marriage, and announcing a potential expansion of the Kingston Farmer's Market. He's hard-hitting ladies and gentlemen. (My riding traditionally votes conservative without regard to anything else except the colour on the background of the posters, in case you haven't figured that out from this paragraph)

Let me just say this. If I was a conservative, or conservative supporter, I probably wouldn't have the environment high on my priority list anyway. So I can see why they can easily dismiss the masses that attack their plan, and just tell dumb shits like me that they're doing something about it. My questions is 'why fake it?'. You're not going to turn the people of the country who do have environmental concerns high on their lists into conservative voters with a half-assed attempt to show interest. Why not just put more attention into the things you care about..like getting George Bush's hand wrapped around your colon. Its sad.

What Letter In "DHL" Stands For "Whacky-ass-morons"?

So a couple of months ago I lost my favourite hat. My only hat really. I normally don't wear a hat, but on the weekend when I roll out of bed and have to go fetch coffee, I like to throw something over the bed-head hair that stands up all over the place. Lately I've felt naked while going for my caffeine fix in the early morning.

So two weeks ago I decided to do something about it. I decided to replace the cap I had been missing with a brand-spanking-new cap. The old one was a Tennessee Titans hat, that I knew I would not be able to replace in Saint John NB. Hell, I probably couldn't even go to a booming metropolis like Moncton and find any Titans wear. So I went right to the source....the Official Tennessee Titans website. I ordered a new hat, and while I was there I picked up a set of pajamas for my 15-month-old son. All seemed well and good until the shipping began. Enter the morons from DHL.

Since I ordered the stuff online on a Saturday, I didn't really expected the order to be processed, sent and arrive until about 8-10 business days at best. But the people at the Titans ordering department were quick. By Monday afternoon I had received an e-mail notification that my package had been picked up by the shipper. The rest of the week passed without any packages at my door, until Friday when I got home from work.

Stuck to the door on Friday was the notice posted here. Note the following facts about the delivery notice and the circumstances leading up to it:

- The box that is checked says "This was our final attempt".
- There had been no prior attempts to my knowledge.
- Upon looking up the Waybill# in their online tracking system, I determined that they actually tried twice previously to deliver this package, without leaving any notice.
- Look at the other two boxes that could have come in oh-so-handy: One says they will make another attempt the next day and the next would have given me the option to sign away liability and let them leave it at my door.

I called the 1-800 number at the bottom of the notice. Here is how the conversation went:

Me- "hello, I have just received a final delivery notice from your company and I'm wondering why it would be the only time I actually got a notification in 3 delivery tries?"
DHL Jerkoff- "well sometimes our drivers are hesitant to give people the choice to just drop-off the package on the doorstep if they live in a 'questionable' neighborhood"
Me- "what deems a neighborhood questionable? I mean I don't exactly live in Beverly Hills, but last time I checked there was also no blood-stained syringes on my front porch either..."
DHL Retard- "well, sir the drivers have to take into account several factors"
Me- "but they could have at least told me that they had been here, right?"
DHL Arsehole- "well sir, I can't speak for the drivers. I'm sure they assessed the situation as best they could"
Me- "so can I schedule a 're-delivery'?"
DHL- "no we will only attempt 3 times"
Me- "but I only know of 1"
DHL- "but there were in fact 3"
Me- "ok, so where can I pick this up at?"
DHL- "well let's see, I have 2 centres that are in your zone...I'm not sure which would be closer: Charlottetown, or Moncton"
Me- "I guess that would be Moncton...what are their office hours?"
DHL Nimrod- "Mon-Fri 8:30-5:30"
Me- "You're kidding right? the nearest location is 1.5 hours away and only open during regular office hours...meaning I'd have to take time off work. There's no other option?"
DHL Fucknut- "Well you could always have it re-routed to a different location...would you like to do that"
Me- "So I can just give you a different address and you'll send it again?"
DHL Dipshit- "That's right"
Me- "Ok listen really carefully, change the number in my address to a number 2 numbers down and I'll go next door to my neighbor and tell them its coming..."
DHL Moron- "Ok done, now these re-routing requests usually take 72 hours to process, and since we're past 5pm on Friday, that 72 hours won't start until Monday..."

Blood is now gushing out of my eyes and ears...I manage to hang up the phone and scream for an hour straight, while punching myself really hard in the scrotum.

Flashforward to this past Monday....

I arrive home after work, no more than 8 "business hours" after my conversation with the devil. There's a package there from DHL! It came to my house! COD!..my mother-in-law paid for it!

DHL are a bunch of incompetent pricks. They owe my at least 15 mins of my life back for having to deal with the dumbest customer service person ever, and $15 of COD charges which they actually are at fault for! The only thing I will be ever couriering through this company is a steaming pile of dogshit I scoop up from my back yard. Coincidently, it will be going to DHL's head office.

PS My hat's cool...the baby pajamas barely fit my mammoth kid. god bless us all!

Fate, I laugh At You...but nervously

I don't really believe in a pre-designed plan for every creature and thing, and I wrestle with that when trying to work it into my Christo-Agnostic belief system. But when something happens like the Cory Lidle airplane accident in Manhattan yesterday it makes me stop and think. Strictly from a sporting perspective, here are some things to consider that led up to crash that prematurely ended the life of the Yankee pitcher:

- On July 31st the Yankees acquired Bobby Abreu from the Phillies in a trade to help them in the stretch run and into the playoffs. Thrown into the trade was pitcher Cory Lidle to help sure up a sometimes shaky Yankees starting staff. If the trade wouldn't have went through, Lidle would already have finished his season a couple of weeks ago and been home with his family in California.

- The Yankees were eliminated from the playoffs Oct 7. They were heavily favoured, and their lineup, one of the most impressive hitting lineups in baseball history struggled to even score a run for a 20 inning stretch. If the Yankees would have won the series, or even won another game, Lidle would probably not have taken off to leave for home yesterday. You could say baseball's $200M team let Lidle down.

- The game in which the Yankees were eliminated, saw Lidle come in in relief of starter Jaret Wright. Wright gave up 3 runs, the Yankees ended up scoring 3 runs during the game. Theoretically, if Lidle hadn't given up a run and pitched 8-9 innings, (as he could have as a typical starter) the Yankees might have won the game and pushed the series at least an extra game. Lidle, unknowingly at the time, was actually pitching for his life. He gave up 3 runs in 1 1/3 innings.

Now, like all accidents, you can look for, and find, a billion turning points that could have lead to another outcome. For someone who doesn't believe in fate, I would suggest no matter what happened, Lidle would have eventually got on a plane that had some sort of mechanical problem and the outcome would have been similar... just delayed. But what made him pick THAT plane?

I saw Lidle pitch live a few times in 2003 when he was a member of the Toronto Blue Jays. The games weren't eventful by any means, but I'll always remember him as ex-jay no matter where he would have went. Thanks for the memories Cory.

The Reason I Don't Bet On Nothin'

I'm lost this NFL season without a pool to drive my interest in the games. That's what happens when your favourite team sucks and has no chance of making the playoffs (Tennessee, in case you're wondering).

So I resurrected my Playshere account with the Atlantic Lottery Corporation on line and have been betting on a few games here and there over the past couple of weeks. I've come to the realization that I'm really bad at it. Yesterday, I tried to make the $10 or so that I've lost so far back by placing a $2 bet and picking winners from the 3 baseball playoff games going on yesterday. Two of the 3 teams I picked lost. The other one won, but only by a run and that technically would only be a "tie" under the Playshere rules. So I was 0-3, on a ticket that would have only paid me $12. Pathetic!

I'm not a big gambler, and I'm coming to the realization that its probably because I've never won anything to give me a taste for it. Then again, maybe I just have to practice more.

Songs of Death

Recently a paper in Britain conducted a poll to determine what the most requested songs to be played at funerals are. The number one song was James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover", 2nd was "Angels" by Robbie Williams. you can read the article and the remaining top ten here.

I remember when I was a teenager, an acquaintance died prematurely in an automobile accident and his family had his favourite songs played at the funeral. It spurred on a conversation between my friends and I as to what we would want played at our funerals. I recall the cool choices at the time were "Black" by Pearl Jam and "Fade To Black" by Metallica. Now that I'm past my EMO phase I wonder what I would want played as one solitary song to remember me by, or that had special meaning to me.

I think the only thing I'd borrow from the top ten list in that article is "With or Without You", but only because its a kickass song from U2's best stuff. In the end I think I would want a montage of funny/serious/sentimental all mixed together. There's a song for all of those in this list:

1. Millennium- Robbie Williams
2. Fake Plastic Trees- Radiohead
3. Selling The Drama- Live
4. Shiny Happy People- REM
5. If You Could Read My Mind- Gordon Lightfoot
6. Dancing Queen- Abba
7. I am A Real American- Hulk Hogan and Rick Derringer
and the big closer....
8. Closer- NIN (only to be played if the funeral is in a church- preferably Catholic :)

Think about your own list. Its fun to imagine how people will react.

I Got My Blog Caught in the Auger of Creativity

I have blogger's block today. I thought I'd just share that with you all, just to let you know that blogging isn't exactly an overabundance of lemurs and Venezuelan presidents. Sometimes I sit and read the news for hours on end and nothing uniquely funny nor worthwhile pops up to write about.

A few things to mention from recent news and my warped mind:

- I don't know if I'm more upset with all the school shootings going on or the morbid media coverage of the same. CNN is giving all these idiots the "blaze of glory" finale that they wanted when they set out on their gruesome missions. They're making every other teetering sociopath come one step closer to going over the edge.

- I don't care if Roger Clemens took steroids. I don't care of 80% of major league baseball took them or still takes them. The sport isn't all about power and muscle. Steroids do not improve hand-to-eye coordination, fielding, or throwing a decent breaking ball. Barry Bonds will probably break the career home run next year and I won't care about that either. Not because of the steroids thing, just because he's a prick. (best ball player of my lifetime so far, but a prick!)

- I hate myself for loving the fact that Justin Timberlake brought sexy back.

- I think Poutine is the most disgusting thing on the planet, next to Stephen Harper. but I would put a sign on my front lawn supporting the former before the latter.

I have to go drink a fruity cooler now and watch some mindless tv.

Later...