What Letter In "DHL" Stands For "Whacky-ass-morons"?

So a couple of months ago I lost my favourite hat. My only hat really. I normally don't wear a hat, but on the weekend when I roll out of bed and have to go fetch coffee, I like to throw something over the bed-head hair that stands up all over the place. Lately I've felt naked while going for my caffeine fix in the early morning.

So two weeks ago I decided to do something about it. I decided to replace the cap I had been missing with a brand-spanking-new cap. The old one was a Tennessee Titans hat, that I knew I would not be able to replace in Saint John NB. Hell, I probably couldn't even go to a booming metropolis like Moncton and find any Titans wear. So I went right to the source....the Official Tennessee Titans website. I ordered a new hat, and while I was there I picked up a set of pajamas for my 15-month-old son. All seemed well and good until the shipping began. Enter the morons from DHL.

Since I ordered the stuff online on a Saturday, I didn't really expected the order to be processed, sent and arrive until about 8-10 business days at best. But the people at the Titans ordering department were quick. By Monday afternoon I had received an e-mail notification that my package had been picked up by the shipper. The rest of the week passed without any packages at my door, until Friday when I got home from work.

Stuck to the door on Friday was the notice posted here. Note the following facts about the delivery notice and the circumstances leading up to it:

- The box that is checked says "This was our final attempt".
- There had been no prior attempts to my knowledge.
- Upon looking up the Waybill# in their online tracking system, I determined that they actually tried twice previously to deliver this package, without leaving any notice.
- Look at the other two boxes that could have come in oh-so-handy: One says they will make another attempt the next day and the next would have given me the option to sign away liability and let them leave it at my door.

I called the 1-800 number at the bottom of the notice. Here is how the conversation went:

Me- "hello, I have just received a final delivery notice from your company and I'm wondering why it would be the only time I actually got a notification in 3 delivery tries?"
DHL Jerkoff- "well sometimes our drivers are hesitant to give people the choice to just drop-off the package on the doorstep if they live in a 'questionable' neighborhood"
Me- "what deems a neighborhood questionable? I mean I don't exactly live in Beverly Hills, but last time I checked there was also no blood-stained syringes on my front porch either..."
DHL Retard- "well, sir the drivers have to take into account several factors"
Me- "but they could have at least told me that they had been here, right?"
DHL Arsehole- "well sir, I can't speak for the drivers. I'm sure they assessed the situation as best they could"
Me- "so can I schedule a 're-delivery'?"
DHL- "no we will only attempt 3 times"
Me- "but I only know of 1"
DHL- "but there were in fact 3"
Me- "ok, so where can I pick this up at?"
DHL- "well let's see, I have 2 centres that are in your zone...I'm not sure which would be closer: Charlottetown, or Moncton"
Me- "I guess that would be Moncton...what are their office hours?"
DHL Nimrod- "Mon-Fri 8:30-5:30"
Me- "You're kidding right? the nearest location is 1.5 hours away and only open during regular office hours...meaning I'd have to take time off work. There's no other option?"
DHL Fucknut- "Well you could always have it re-routed to a different location...would you like to do that"
Me- "So I can just give you a different address and you'll send it again?"
DHL Dipshit- "That's right"
Me- "Ok listen really carefully, change the number in my address to a number 2 numbers down and I'll go next door to my neighbor and tell them its coming..."
DHL Moron- "Ok done, now these re-routing requests usually take 72 hours to process, and since we're past 5pm on Friday, that 72 hours won't start until Monday..."

Blood is now gushing out of my eyes and ears...I manage to hang up the phone and scream for an hour straight, while punching myself really hard in the scrotum.

Flashforward to this past Monday....

I arrive home after work, no more than 8 "business hours" after my conversation with the devil. There's a package there from DHL! It came to my house! COD!..my mother-in-law paid for it!

DHL are a bunch of incompetent pricks. They owe my at least 15 mins of my life back for having to deal with the dumbest customer service person ever, and $15 of COD charges which they actually are at fault for! The only thing I will be ever couriering through this company is a steaming pile of dogshit I scoop up from my back yard. Coincidently, it will be going to DHL's head office.

PS My hat's cool...the baby pajamas barely fit my mammoth kid. god bless us all!