Summer Pool Safety Tips

Inspired by a CBC news report I just read on the Rogers Hi-Speed Home Page, here are my top ten safety tips for in-and-around the pool this summer:

10. If you're going to carry on like a drunken madman, put your goddamn water wings on!
9. If you have to shit in the pool, make sure you are wearing proper bathing attire, with good solid mesh to catch your waste and your draw-string is tied tight. (Girls should probably just use any bushes adjacent to the pool..preferably in a neighbor's yard)
8. It may seem like harmless fun at the time, but try not to spike people's pool-side martinis with chlorine...it can get messy.
7. If you're pretend wrestling in the pool, and you're holding your friend underwater while applying a full-nelson, don't fall for the old 'play-dead-so-he'll-break-the-full-nelson maneuver'.....instead, count in your head to 236 to make sure they're not faking..then release the hold.
6. Saw the diving board 3/4 through so that any nimrods who want to cannon ball get what they deserve.
5. Keep a detailed second-by-second written account of any drownings to help you mitigate any discrepancies in people's stories when everything goes to trial.
4. Make sure that you know whether people can swim before drop kicking them in the back of the head into the pool.
3. Harpoon games admittedly increase the fun factor of any pool game but harpoons are for the deep sea...leave your harpoons at home.
2. Voodoo safety rituals can seem like a good idea, but if someone slips on pig entrails and cracks their head open, nobody wins.
1. A good hazing ritual to play, is to have a naked pledge swim 2 laps back-and-forth in the pool while holding a lit candle in his butt cheeks, while trying not to extinguish the flame. This can be dangerous. Try using a candle which has aloe in the wax to ease any burning.

have fun in the pool this summer kids!