Panty-Liners Part IV: Just Kidding…..

No, I’m not really counting this as a post… shut-up! (the other three I am counting though!)

Panty-Liners Part III: A Sad Excuse For Three Posts In One Day

I just broke up one story into 3 separate posts for no other reason than to fulfill my promise of posting 10 times in June. I know it’s sad, but here’s a picture of a panty-liner to make everything better.

Panty-liners Part II: Revenge of The Spouse

First rule in wearing women’s feminine products, when you’re not a woman: don’t tell anyone about it, no matter how funny you think the story is to share.

So, because I was so proud of myself for my makeshift tourniquet, and because I thought it was a hilarious story, I decided to share it with everyone at work. There were some laughs, some tears and I think someone stuck a “Kick Me I’m A Woman” sign on my back. Overall, I think we all had a good time. Then I ended the laughter when I went and bought actual Band-Aids at lunch time.

When I got home that day, I was still smiling and very much proud of myself, for my comedic accomplishments of the day. So when my wife asked me ‘what was so funny?’, I had to tell her. Apparently, she didn’t hear me the night before when I told her what I had found to put on my damaged leg…she found the whole thing rather alarming…and when she found out that I shared the secret with my co-workers she was mortified. I now have to hear about it constantly…how I’m insensitive to the whole thing….I’m not even sure what I’m being insensitive about….

It really makes me even wonder if it’s worth putting on the internet….

Panty-liners Part I: They’re Not Just For Panties Anymore

I’ve been taking a bit of heat lately for something that I did last Wednesday night. You see, I play softball and tend to scrape up my knee quite badly when sliding into bases. This is nothing new, it has been happening ever since I’ve played.

Because I injure myself often I have learned to keep a healthy supply of oversized bandages for my leg at home. That way when I cut myself up, I can just slip one on and go to bed without waking up to a bloody mess in the bed the next morning.

Anyway, back to last week. I tore up my knee once again playing ball and came home past everyone else’s bed time. I searched all over the place for my cache of bandages, but came up empty. My leg was, again, a bloody mess, so there was no way I could go to bed without putting something on it. I found a roll of gauze and some first aid tape…but that would have been messy to peel away the next day. I found some different materials I could apply to it but it would have soaked right though by the morning. What was I going to do????

Then I saw something in a bathroom cabinet. Something that was wonderfully absorbent, and would not make me worry about seepage, or being messy to remove….my wife’s panty-liner. So I took one out and taped it to my leg. Worked like a charm! It worked so well, that the next morning I had to change my “dressing” before going to work, so I taped another one on before I left. I was almost at the point where I would abandon band-aids altogether!

American Inventor....Like Drowning Puppies In Primetime.

I keep falling into the same old trap with the ABC realty show American Inventor. The show is great in concept: Average everyday inventor-wannabes face a panel of "experts" to try to sell them on whatever itch they have scratched with their new products....and try to win some seed money to take their products to market nation-wide. Some of the things they come up with are cool, some are funny, and some are just plain stupid. Sounds entertaining and a good waste of an hour right?

Well, the part I can't stand, that really turns me off, is that they drag the heartbreaking stories of these people into play...and I really don't think its fair. I watched for maybe 3 minutes last night...some guy invented a drag racing track-thing to use with matchbook cars...wasn't bad..wasn't incredibly good...but then they asked him how much money he had sunk into the thing. His response was $300K!..and went on to say how his brothers and other family members took out additional mortgages on their homes to help him out...he was holding back tears while saying it! And therein lies the problem...how could you possibly pass up this guy and not put him through to the next round after hearing that?

When I watched it last year, the 3-4 finalists all had similar heart-breaking stories. Its all about emotional blackmail...and its the same sort of gripe I have with another ABC show I keep railing on- Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Disney is really starting to piss me off. I think I'm going to have to start boycotting them....that is, until I take the kids to Disney world in a couple of years....then I'll just shit on the rides at the Magic Kingdom.....that will show those mouse-lovin sons a' bitches!

Another Shaved Britney Body Part Making News....

It amuses me to no end that Britney Spears is threatening to sue a radio station in Florida to remove billboards that use images of her shaven head to promote its resident talk show host. Because the ads allude to her being crazy, jeopardize her attempt to resurrect her broken image, and are used without her permission, a law firm had to be called in to demand the removal of the billboards and their insulting images.

Uh, is it just me or isn’t that Britney’s beaver strewn all over the world wide web????…but its this ad that makes her look bad????…..hmmmm…interesting.

A Miscellany of Tiny Rants...

- I know this is like 3-4 weeks old...but it deserves a link. There's no Hasselhoff like a drunken-burger-munchin' Hasselhoff. Hilarious!! (No one ever accused me of being on the cutting edge of breaking entertainment news.

- Sucks that the Spurs won the NBA crown. That makes 4 in 9 years. All teams are going to start modelling this style of play...and in case you're not one of the 5 people who watched the lowest rated NBA finals in TV history, that style is BORING!...highly effective, but boring!

- Hammas, Abbas, Fatah and Gaza...Palestinians love their soft "a" sounds. I'd say something more profound...but I honestly have trouble keeping up with all the inner turmoil of the Palstinian government. Its basically take a deep breath after each article and hope that it goes away...or even better, the US government doesn't get (more) involved. Ugly...very ugly!

- Golfed perhaps the best course in the Maritimes a couple of days ago- Royal Oaks - It was a very windy day...but I shot a very respectful (to me) 101. Considering I was in the sand or the rough 75% of the time, gave up on my driver after 3 holes, and broke my 3-iron on # 7, I'll take that and run. Great course! Can't wait to go back.

- I'm really getting into Massive Attack lately. I think I had mis-labelled them in my mind because of their collaborative efforts I had heard.....but they got a lot of cool shit. I encourage all to listen with an open mind.

- I'm bored.... why does TV suck these days?

The Real 7 Wonders

So CBC put out a call for nominations, and subsequent votes for what Canadians thought were the Seven Wonders of Canada. Being a fairly young country, Canada struggles with its identity and makes a point of doing this shit on a regular basis. We also point out every single person in the world who is Canadian and hold them high and proud so that the rest of the world recognizes us for something. I'm ok with this (just like I'm ok with Steve Nash, Justin Morneau, and Joe Thornton...all being MVPs in their respective sports at the same time)...its like when you take some time in your late teens/early twenties to "find yourself" and start broadcasting to the world the things that make you unique...make you the person you want everybody to see you as.

I looked over the list and if it ends up being the final list, it should probably be re-named Canada's Seven Natural Wonders. Its ignores a lot of the more abstract ideas...like the Montreal bagel and the canoe. It includes such things as Nahanni National Park, The Bay of Funday and the Cabot Trail. It is a pretty good list though...well dispersed across the country and some pretty impressive spectacles are included. I would urge everyone to go in and check out all the nominations that were posted on the website...you're bound to learn something cool about the many parts of Canada.....my particular favourites are the Narcisse Snake Dens and Crooked Trees, Sask.

However, i have my own list...and since its too late for nominations, I can only share it with you:

Ray Law's Seven Canadian Wonders:

1. How the fuck Martin Short still has a career!?!??..and a relatively successful one…

2. Why Degrassi Jr. High can be so freaking entertaining…and on so many levels…even the new generation! Have you seen the Next Generation episodes where Miriam MacDonald's character goes crazy with sexual madness and starts giving every guy in school head?...those ones are cool.

3. How a country with one of the highest educational development rates in the free world can elect a total dip shit ass clown as a prime minister.

4. Toller Cranston has wrote a book called "Ice Cream"- If you don't find this hilarious, you're not human (check out the cover on the link). Oh, the "wonder" here is Toller Cranston's gayness…and how it reaches a level only Liberace could understand.

5. That ubiquitous gravel pit where everybody used to drink in high school…its a wonder that everybody and their dog knew where the underage drinking was going down, but cops never came around…good times!

6. The beaver…just because beaver should appear on as many lists as possible...

7. The fact that a typical city of 100,000 residents can have a Tim Hortons' at every 100 ft, and each store can still make a massive profit!

God I love this country!

10 Degrees of Wiki-fun.

I've wanted to post something like this for a while. One of my favourite things to do on the web is to start reading about something on Wikipedia, and then see what I'm reading about 1/2 hour later, and how completely different the topic is, after having clicked from link to link within the on-line tome.....and then of course wondering, 'how the hell are these things even remotely linked to one another?'.

So just for shits and giggles, I thought I would pick a topic, start reading, and see where 9 more links would lead me..based purely on what piqued my interest when I saw the links....and of course I documented it all for your entertainment and mine.

For today's path I first went to CNN.com to get a completely random topic to start with. The first article I saw there was about some anti-government conspirators being arrested or charged in Laos. This is how today's wiki-reading went down:

1. Laos...which lead to...
2. IMF (International Monetary Fund)...which lead to..
3. The Great Depression...which lead to...
4. Saskatchewan...which lead to...
5. Louis Riel...which lead to....
6. Insanity Defence...which lead to...
7. Bipolar Disorder...which lead to...
8. Ethanol..which lead to...
9. Alcoholic Beverage...which of course lead to...
10. Scotch Whiskey!!

It always comes back to scotch!!...you simply can't make this shit up!

Getting My Shit Together

I've been kinda ho-hum about ye ole blog all year long. The main reason is because I was tracking year-over-year hits and since I had no data to compare to for the first few months I was showing unbelievable growth. The problem is that it was about this time last year I started viewing my own posts about 50 times a day and now I have to actually try to maintain the growth level.

So.....my focus for June is to break my own record for Blog posts in a month...because as I've stated previously, it appears more people actually view my blog when I get my shit together and post...go figure!!!

The goal- 10 posts (yep, that's right this one counts...I know its cheap, but fuck you, its hard to do this shit on a regular basis...only those who do it truly know). So if you're reading this come back in a couple of days, chances are there will actually be another post....it might just be a picture of my ass, but it will still be something!