I Was a Woman In A Former Facebook Life

This is a Facebook profile picture from a man who tried to befriend a fake woman I created on the social networking site. I'm not going to give out his name, as I think the photo is punishment enough. I'm not doing this to humiliate anyone, it just turned out that way.....let this be a lesson to everyone: Do not trust internet sites for meeting people, unless that's what they are designed for, and have a valued reputation. Merry Christmas!

The Olympics Are Dead to Me

I haven't blogged in almost a year. It got to a point where I was blogging just for the sake of blogging and couldn't come up with anything I found important to 'get out there'. Even if "important" to me was just being my goofy-ass self and trying to amuse a few people for a few laughs and the attention it garnered. Besides, I ran out of tampon-related stories to pass along.

Today my blog is rising up from its ashes so that I can make my opinion of the Beijing XXIX Olympiad be known. And what is my opinion, you may ask? (ok, just pretend you're asking) My opinion is that they don't exist. In 2001 the IOC selection committee made a horrible mistake in choosing China as the host country. I believe that countries have the right to live within themselves and their own rules of self government.....so long as it does not impede upon basic human rights. China's position on freedom of speech, movement and religion do just that!

Did you know that China executes more people for committing capital crimes than any country in the world? I know, this might not seem like a shocking stat for the country that holds 1/4 of the world's population...especially if you are someone who is for the death penalty, unlike myself. But consider for a second that China has 68 crimes to which execution can be the sentence....included in those: tax fraud, and embezzlement. nice! Oh, by the way, they are not only the top execution country in terms of gross numbers, they are also in the top 7 in the world when you work the number down to per capita amounts.

Here's a few other things that weighed in on my decision to avoid this year's Olympic Games:

China's one-child policy, leading to many forced abortions, deserted children and infanticide...

China indirectly supports the atrocities in Darfur by supplying Sudanese troops with small arms, in exchange for oil....and has threatened to use UN security council veto rights to oppose stricter action in the area.

The "Chinese Apartheid" in Tibet

The government controlled media

The crackdown on the Falun Gong

etc. etc. etc.

There are literally a hundred other things I could list. I am actually somewhat appalled that governments around the globe did not withhold participation in the Olympics as a protest. Bush's comments during his 3-nation Asian tour leading up to the games are meaningless. They have no sting.

It might be of little interest to anyone, but I am taking it upon myself to boycott the Olympics this year. I am not going to watch a single minute of any competition nor read about it on-line, and if anyone brings it up in discussion, I will make it a point to start lecturing them on China's human rights violations.

It's a shame. As a sports fan, I love watching the Olympics and especially cheering for Canada. Oh well, see you at the next summer Olympics- London in 2012. Maybe I'll make it a point to go there and take in some events to make up for my 8 year withdrawal.

Oh, and don't even bother mentioning winter Olympics to me...those take place during prime drinking months (you have to drink more in cold months to keep warm), I barely even recognize that they're taking place.

Something Personal

I have made it a habit to keep this blog relatively anonymous by not posting anything from my personal life but I thought I'd take a time-out from that trend and just post something a bit cathartic.

My father died almost 5 years ago (actually 5 years ago next week- Oct 2). He was known throughout the maritimes as one of the best candlepin bowlers to step into an alley.... for over 30 years, right up until his death. Apparently, last year a memorial bowling tournament was started in his name. Sounds good right? Sure, its wonderful and I'm proud. It would have been even better if someone had told either my mother or myself about it. I had to find out about it in the local newspaper yesterday....it was surprising...and to find it it was the "2nd annual" made it even more so.

I just thought I'd take this time to let whoever started it know that I do support it, but it would have been nice to be invited to attend...the same way I attended his events for 28 years of my life.

I'll end with this....cancer fucking sucks!!!! I encourage everyone to give to cancer research in the memory of a loved one (because we all know one that is either fighting or has succumb)...and take care of yourselves...stop smoking...wear your SPF 30.....watch your additives and preservatives.....and ladies, get to those self breast examinations...or grab a partner to help you if need be.....you know what to do, just do it!

RIP Dad (1946-2002)

Raveen: The Impossibly Ancient

Honest to god! How the fuck old is Raveen??!?!? I remember seeing the commercial for his show on ATV in between Atlantic Grand Prix Wrestling matches when I was like 4 years old. I remember him looking like he was about 50 years old then. Here we are 30 years later and the guy is still selling out shows...and here's the truly remarkable thing...he's using the same 1979 commercial on tv and the radio today!!!!....and it's as catchy as hell! I want to beat myself in the face with a stapler at work every time I catch myself humming the theme..."have you seen the man they call Raveen..."..."comin' on the man they call Raveen.."...my God...is he using his powers of the superconscious in these commercials? Is that legal? Why does he hold this spell over me..???? arrrggghhhh!!!!!

Vacations...Vacuums...Yo Momma... All Things That Suck

It has gotten to the point at work that I hate to take vacation. There's too much prep work to do before you leave and then there's too much to catch up on when you come back. I'm freakin' exhausted. I should clarify...its week long vacations that leave me feeling this way...the onesy/twosy days off are great.

I had a great big list of stuff that I wanted to post about....but I can't find it and right now I'm only thinking of making myself a tequila sunrise. It's hard to concentrate on anything else. So I'm going to go make myself one of those bad boys and slip into something more comfortable...like depression. I'll be back soon...

Oh, and my latest excuse for not posting is that I was establishing a baseline of site hits for a month with no posts....yeah, that's the ticket!

Panty-Liners Part IV: Just Kidding…..

No, I’m not really counting this as a post… shut-up! (the other three I am counting though!)

Panty-Liners Part III: A Sad Excuse For Three Posts In One Day

I just broke up one story into 3 separate posts for no other reason than to fulfill my promise of posting 10 times in June. I know it’s sad, but here’s a picture of a panty-liner to make everything better.

Panty-liners Part II: Revenge of The Spouse

First rule in wearing women’s feminine products, when you’re not a woman: don’t tell anyone about it, no matter how funny you think the story is to share.

So, because I was so proud of myself for my makeshift tourniquet, and because I thought it was a hilarious story, I decided to share it with everyone at work. There were some laughs, some tears and I think someone stuck a “Kick Me I’m A Woman” sign on my back. Overall, I think we all had a good time. Then I ended the laughter when I went and bought actual Band-Aids at lunch time.

When I got home that day, I was still smiling and very much proud of myself, for my comedic accomplishments of the day. So when my wife asked me ‘what was so funny?’, I had to tell her. Apparently, she didn’t hear me the night before when I told her what I had found to put on my damaged leg…she found the whole thing rather alarming…and when she found out that I shared the secret with my co-workers she was mortified. I now have to hear about it constantly…how I’m insensitive to the whole thing….I’m not even sure what I’m being insensitive about….

It really makes me even wonder if it’s worth putting on the internet….

Panty-liners Part I: They’re Not Just For Panties Anymore

I’ve been taking a bit of heat lately for something that I did last Wednesday night. You see, I play softball and tend to scrape up my knee quite badly when sliding into bases. This is nothing new, it has been happening ever since I’ve played.

Because I injure myself often I have learned to keep a healthy supply of oversized bandages for my leg at home. That way when I cut myself up, I can just slip one on and go to bed without waking up to a bloody mess in the bed the next morning.

Anyway, back to last week. I tore up my knee once again playing ball and came home past everyone else’s bed time. I searched all over the place for my cache of bandages, but came up empty. My leg was, again, a bloody mess, so there was no way I could go to bed without putting something on it. I found a roll of gauze and some first aid tape…but that would have been messy to peel away the next day. I found some different materials I could apply to it but it would have soaked right though by the morning. What was I going to do????

Then I saw something in a bathroom cabinet. Something that was wonderfully absorbent, and would not make me worry about seepage, or being messy to remove….my wife’s panty-liner. So I took one out and taped it to my leg. Worked like a charm! It worked so well, that the next morning I had to change my “dressing” before going to work, so I taped another one on before I left. I was almost at the point where I would abandon band-aids altogether!

American Inventor....Like Drowning Puppies In Primetime.

I keep falling into the same old trap with the ABC realty show American Inventor. The show is great in concept: Average everyday inventor-wannabes face a panel of "experts" to try to sell them on whatever itch they have scratched with their new products....and try to win some seed money to take their products to market nation-wide. Some of the things they come up with are cool, some are funny, and some are just plain stupid. Sounds entertaining and a good waste of an hour right?

Well, the part I can't stand, that really turns me off, is that they drag the heartbreaking stories of these people into play...and I really don't think its fair. I watched for maybe 3 minutes last night...some guy invented a drag racing track-thing to use with matchbook cars...wasn't bad..wasn't incredibly good...but then they asked him how much money he had sunk into the thing. His response was $300K!..and went on to say how his brothers and other family members took out additional mortgages on their homes to help him out...he was holding back tears while saying it! And therein lies the problem...how could you possibly pass up this guy and not put him through to the next round after hearing that?

When I watched it last year, the 3-4 finalists all had similar heart-breaking stories. Its all about emotional blackmail...and its the same sort of gripe I have with another ABC show I keep railing on- Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Disney is really starting to piss me off. I think I'm going to have to start boycotting them....that is, until I take the kids to Disney world in a couple of years....then I'll just shit on the rides at the Magic Kingdom.....that will show those mouse-lovin sons a' bitches!