Top Ten Songs To Laugh At...

First off let me just say that I'm not trying to come off as an elitist or anything. However, I was recently looking for song ideas to download to fill up my new IPod Nano, (which I cashed in a few hundred thousand AeroMiles for when I realized I'm at least 10 years away from affording the love swing or penis pump....oh wait, maybe that was my Club Z points...) and I came across a website which allows people to post their personal top 10 list of songs by decade and had to laugh out loud at some of the choices. In particular, I was reading the 90's lists...so keeping that in mind, let me enlighten you with a few rules of thumb I have developed after looking at a few hundred top ten lists...you know, in case you want to put your own list up for some scrutiny..

1. If you are trying to tell me that 5 or more of the 10 best songs out of any ten year period came from the same group and same album...get mommy to buy you another Tool CD sonny.

2. If your list contains any has-been-70's/80's-superstar's last gasp to buy themselves a bag of crack...check it at the door. Listen, I bought myself a newly released Boston CD in the 90's..to me it was a return to greatness, but I wasn't dumb enough to think that the rest of the world simply missed out on their "mature phase". That's right, I'm talking to you Ms. "La Luna"-by-Belinda-Carlisle-earns-my-number-9-spot!

3. "1. Murder Go Round by Insane Clown Posse- 'Just a fresh ass song about murderin mothafackos!' ". This song and comment topped a list that included another ICP song as well as songs by Twiztid, House of Krazees, and of course the Pschopathic Rydas. I'm about as down with ICP as the next whitebread mothafucka (who followed professional wrestling), but this is a good example of another great rule when making these lists: Although you think its cool to name bands and songs that people never heard of, (and that's REALLY hard to do when you deal with a) death metal, b) fringe rap, or c) shit) you're list gets skipped after song #7 and you become another hallucinogenic affect of the mushrooms. If you're good with that, so am I...

4. If N'Sync made your top 10, you suck harder than they do...and that's pretty damn hard. If the song was "Space Cowboy", you might as well set your Teen Beat magazines ablaze and throw yourself on the flame...it won't get any better.

5. Make sure the songs are in the decade that you are posting about. Yes, I agree Summer of '69 was a great song, and everybody knows the words and a case could be made for it being #1...if it were released ANYWHERE in the 90's....and although that might be a simple mistake from someone too young to know better and heard it in a 90's movie, "I Shot the Sheriff" by Eric Clapton is just plain-ass retarded.

6. Whenever possible, be specific in how you derived your list. Are they your favourite songs? Are they influential/classic songs? Songs you liked to get drunk to..? Songs that you like to play while hurting kittens? ...this isn't completely necessary, but it just helps the reader understand why you chose "Moo Moo Land" by the KLF...

7. Kind of a follow up to the last rule....I don't need a 2 paragraph analysis from Jared in Iowa explaining to me how Smelled like Teen Spirit changed his life. I DO require a lengthy description of how Weird Al's cover of the same song also made his list. I wish I were joking!

So, with that friendly advice, go forth and add your own list. I simply can't wait to read it.

And, just so I don't get shit on for avoiding it, here's my list, based on the following criteria: songs released in the 90's, taking into account the influence of the song and/or group on music in general from my perspective only. The only order I will put them in is alpha by group, because each song could be #1 for different reasons:

10. Sabotage- Beastie Boys
9. Song 2- Blur
8. Zombie- The Cranberries
7. Basket Case- Green Day
6. Enter Sandman- Metallica
5. Smells Like Teen Spirit- Nirvana
4. Jeremy- Pearl Jam
3. Paranoid Android- Radiohead
2. Bullet With Butterfly Wings- Smashing Pumpkins
1. California Love- Tupac & Dr. Dre

Do I love all these songs? No! Did I at one time or another? Yes! ..and I can still listen to them all without getting sick... If I was to make a list of my top ten favourite songs of the 90's it would be different each week. The only way to keep it static is to set criteria that shouldn't vary too much. Given that explanation those are my top ten. Feel free to tear me apart.